"So Much to Say"

(First prize winner in 'Last Stanza Poetry' Contest!)

What a surprise! I just won First Place in a poetry contest by “Last Stanza Poetry Journal” among apparently thousands of entries. It is the poem I read at Sarah Roche's Celebration of Life:

So Much to Say

"Here are your oatmeal and blueberries," I said, putting on a smile.
"Could you adjust my pillows?" she asked.
"Of course. honey." I wondered how many more breakfasts
I would bring her before she died.

"My arm is lost somewhere beneath the blankets.
I can't feel it." Her eves looked at me with expectation.
"I know, honey." I said, retrieving her arm from obscurity.
"And my leg feels as if it's caught like a fish in a net, quivering.
Would you like me to move it over?"
"Gently."
"Very gently," I whispered, moving her leg
across the quilted blanket,
across the jagged edges of my grief.

I arrived early today. There was so much to say.
"Have you been watching the birds at the feeder?" I asked.
 "I have....I love them" she answered, her voice drifting away.
She didn't say more. She didn't say:
"I will come back to vou as a bluebird.
and then you'll know it's me."
We sat in silence.

"Look at how the sunlight is lighting up your hair!"
I finally exclaimed. "So pretty."
"I love you, too," she said, smiling as one hand drifted up
to the place where clumps of hair had fallen out.

"Can I brush your hair?" I asked.
She nodded.
I took up the brush and stroked her hair,
grace descending on us with invisible wings.

You know we will always talk. honey.
We will always talk." I whispered, but didn't say:
"I would go with you if I could."
She closed her eyes.
surrendering to the moment.

There was so much to say, and there was nothing to say.
I was yearning for words.
"The blueberries are so good," she finally said, and I nodded,
my heart breaking open as a thousand birds
flew out of the nest of my heart
and into the sky above
without another word.

Elizabeth Spring